020 How to be seen, heard, and understood
Hello friends,
This week we’re exploring our penultimate short, simple practice for pain and stress reduction during the holidays. If you’ve missed any of the first five, you can find them here.
Today’s practice is rooted in the power of being witnessed. Specifically, in being seen, heard, and understood in times of suffering.
But, before we break out the pj’s and get down to it, I have some exciting news:
I recently had the pleasure of talking with Krista Xiomara for her podcast, I’m Awake! Now What?
We discuss my personal history of chronic physical/mental illness, how I healed, the alchemy of suffering, and the fascinating dance of choice and predetermination.
Talking with Krista was a blast. She’s wise, compassionate, and seriously smart. You can find our conversation on Spotify, Apple, or the IANW website.
A Restrictive culture, a restrictive self
From the moment we’re born, we’re shaped by the values of the people and culture around us.
All day, everyday, we receive messages about which parts of us are good or bad, acceptable or unacceptable, desirable or undesirable, attractive or repulsive. Some of these messages are explicit but most of them are implicit and incredibly subtle.
Whether we realize it or not, we internalize these evaluations and adapt ourselves to standards of family, community, gender, religion, race, country, etc.
Inevitably, we learn to emphasize whatever is valued and rewarded by others, and we restrict, hide, and bury the parts of us that aren’t.
That’s ok. Our need for acceptance is foundational to who we are. We have a powerful instinct to adapt because our safety and survival depend on it.
The problem lies in our environment, in the dysfunctional familial-social-political standards of the modern world.
Our current values of right/wrong, healthy/unhealthy, valuable/un-valuable have become so restricted – so restrictive and misguided – that almost all of us have learned to reject parts of ourselves that are essential for health and well-being.
What we resist, persists
When we repress our anger, it doesn’t go away. It simmers underneath our consciousness, quietly influencing our thoughts and behaviors. The same is true of fear, shame, resentment, and grief.
The more we ignore and bury, the more influence these rejected parts have in our lives.
Simply put, emotions are intelligent responses to specific situations. They’re forms of energy that help us perceive and respond appropriately to the present moment. And once they’ve done their work, they dissipate and leave the body.
But when we repress an emotion, we inhibit its function and its ability to dissipate.
We actually capture the energy of the emotion and store it in our body. Anger, which has a natural life cycle of only a few minutes, can remain in our subconscious, quietly coloring our experience of life for days, years, even decades.
It’s the repressed, stored emotions that drive our destructive thoughts and behaviors, as well as many chronic physical ailments.
Shame from a past event may prevent us from taking on a new challenge. Fear from our early years can affect our ability to manage money or increase our chances of physical injury. Unexpressed anger may result in a number of physical, emotional, and behavior issues.
The takeaway: If we want to heal our persistent physical and emotional issues, we have to express our present and past emotions.
Practice: Talk it Out (10-20 minutes)
This week’s practice is about being witnessed. It’s about having the courage to communicate – to another person – the feelings and thoughts that you normally hide.
And yes, a second person is essential in this scenario. Remember, the initial wound was created when someone told you that your feelings, thoughts, or actions weren’t ok. Healing begins when those same parts are seen, accepted, and honored by someone you trust.
Who should you choose? As I said above, it all comes down to trust. Examples include your partner, a close friend, relative, or sangha member.
Use your intuition when making this decision: Will they be able to receive you without judgement? Have they shown an ability to witness pain and suffering in the past?
How the conversation unfolds is up to you. I can provide a few guidelines but, ultimately, your body will decide how to proceed.
1. Try not to plan what you’re going to say or express in advance. However, consider the following questions as a way to focus yourself: What are the obtrusive or painful thoughts that are present in your mind? Are you feeling any difficult emotions? Are you experiencing any physical symptoms?
2. Before you begin, inform your listener that you are looking to be heard, witnessed, and accepted. Ask them to simply listen, and to not make suggestions or provide advice unless you ask. Keep requests for suggestions and advice to a minimum.
3. As you prepare to speak, silently tell yourself that it’s ok to express your thoughts and emotions. Remind yourself that you’re safe and worthy of the other person’s care. Remind yourself that your feelings are healthy and valid.
4. Once you begin, allow the words and emotions to emerge freely, without editing. Don't worry if your thoughts and phrases sloppy or poorly organized. The goal is to be as uninhibited as possible (while also respecting healthy boundaries between you and your listener).
5. It can be helpful to occasionally ask simple yes-or-no questions such as “Is it ok that I keep thinking…?” or “Is it ok that I feel…?”. Receiving a strong, heartfelt “Yes” to these kinds of questions can be extremely healing.
6. Be gentle with yourself and trust your body – it will guide the process. If you’re alarmed by a thought, emotion, or physical sensation, ask your listener the kinds of questions outlined in #4. You can ask them as often as you need to. Physical contact can also be extremely helpful if it's appropriate for your relationship.
7. For the sake of your listener, respect the time limit of 20 minutes (you can set a timer). That way, they can focus on being present and open-hearted.
That’s it! I hope you find this practice helpful – it happens to be one of my personal favorites. You can let me know how it went for you, or what you thought of the podcast, by clicking here.
Enjoy your week and I’ll be back next Wednesday with our final practice for the holidays.
Energetically,
David